Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Back to School
Leave it to Amazon, an outfit so gargantuan it can bully anyone or anything, save Walmart and maybe even them. It's been months--I can't even remember when--since I was last in a shopping mall. Seriously. Not even a mall-type multiplex. I can't even remember when I last went to a movie, even though I watch more of them these days, or at least more of what I can on a screen, than I have ever in my life. But what isn't from Netflix is from Amazon.
They're constantly haranguing me with their out-of-this-world offers. Every morning when I go on line, there's an Amazon flyer sticking out of my in-box and yes I do know there's a button on the bottom of the e-mail ad telling them to stop, a button I don't push. Every morning I delete the dumb thing.
Every once in a while, I buy. I've got a metal print of a great family picture and a sprawling canvas print of a landscape I would never have bought or even thought of if it weren't for one of their banner headlines--what they now call a "local deal" for some purposeful marketing reason. Let's face it, I couldn't refuse.
Anyway, this morning--I could have guessed: it's Amazon first out of the blocks. Read it for yourself.
It's like waking up in early July and waiting once again for sunrise in the brutal realization that the days are getting shorter, summer's waning. Nothing reminds you more clearly of time's winged chariot than an ad--the very first--to pitch school stuff--"Back to School." And it wouldn't be Amazon if it wasn't Amazon, you know?
Well, I'm not going back so I don't need "deals in electronics." I'm good, thank you, no more pencils, no more books, no more students' dirty looks. I don't need folders and tablets (the ones with paper), I don't need new shirts or ties, or some tweedy sport coat with elbow patches. I don't need something fresh and sweet to hang on my office door because I don't have a blasted office. I don't need a haircut or a shave. I can sit here in my frickin' underwear, and I don't have to watch kids fight the sandman at 8:15 a.m. I'm not going back to school.
And I didn't last September either, and it was a joy, thank you. And then I made the mistake of teaching a couple courses in the spring semester, working my buns off when I didn't have to. So, Amazon, I'm thrilled to have to say that I have absolutely no earthly or heavenly need for all the essential gear for the new school year. I'll be here, thank you, very much, and if I'm lucky I won't wear anything on my oversized feet but sneakers and sandals until sometime in early November. So there. Stick it in your ear, Amazon. I ain't going back to school.
And I'm thrilled to pieces I'm not.
Posted by J. C. Schaap at 5:46 AM