Morning Thanks

Garrison Keillor once said we'd all be better off if we all started the day by giving thanks for just one thing. I'll try.

Friday, September 03, 2010


I’ve called the lawyers. A friend of mine—female--sent me the pic. Asked if it was me. She knows better.

Like I said, the lawyers swear they’re on it. Digital photography being what it is, one can’t do enough these days to protect one’s privacy. It’s a species of identity theft, really, a phony compilation like this; and the truth is, it gambles wickedly, dangerously. For pity’s sake I’m a prof at a Christian college. Phony photo appears somewhere, and just like that some parents want my scalp. There goes the reputation. “Reputation, reputation, reputation!” says Cassio in Othello. “O, I have lost my reputation! I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial.”

Yeah, bestial. Couldn’t have said it better.

Stupid Photoshop.

Okay, dang it—I’ll grant that the mug looks embarrassingly familiar, and the shoulders are about right. And the glasses. And the shiny pate.

Okay, okay, but it isn't me. I swear.

You’re thinking the guy doth protest too much, but I’m not.


I’ll admit this much: had I actually been on the bike trail that day —and it isn’t the Great Plains either, as you can see by all the trees—had I been out there and had I met this young lady taking her perfectly pastoral morning constitutional, I may well have worn the same kind of s___-eatin’ grin this guy is once I'd pedaled past her. I’m old, but I’m still human. I’ll admit that much. Okay, you probably could still pull that very smile out of my closet.

Even looks like my bike. Okay, okay—even I think he looks like me.

But check the legs. If my ankles were as thin as this gent’s, I could have been a hundred times’ better athlete. Not even when I was fifteen did I have legs like that. The arms look like they could be mine, and I’ll admit to a owning a black t-shirt or two, but in my life I never, ever took a step with those legs beneath me.

Shoot, ask my wife.

No, don’t.

The lawyers are on it, I tell you.

Still, I got to admit that some days do start better than others. That’s certainly true. I’ll go that far.


Laura E said...

This just makes me laugh. You're too funny, and I don't buy your argument. :)

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

Way to go, Schaap! You learned to ride without the training wheels.

I'm awfully proud.